I've never gave much of a shit about Valentine's day. That probably says something about me as a person.
I spent the day at a small house party, & got my Tarot read. I'm not into the superstitious bullshit, but it was pretty insightful. If anything, it's just nice being able to talk about each other with a group of friends. Nothing really profound to say, other than it was a good day.
Happy birthday to me :-)
I don't feel much different, but in retrospect, I was a wildly different person a year ago. Hell, even 4 months ago. I like to think I have a knack at recognizing change.
Right now, I'm at that point where I should think about getting my shit together.
When you're a kid, adults will come up to you with a glazed look in their eye & ask "What do you want to be when you grow up?", & you'll reply with "A paleontologist, obviously!"
& then you get to that age where you actually need to find something to keep you busy. Bonus points if it pays the bills. In my generation, expectation either fuels you or it kills you. Pick a job you like, but make sure it benefits the rest of the world before your personal interests!
But then, after years of being harangued to figure out what you're gonna commit to for the rest of your life, suddenly it doesn't fucking matter! You'll look around you & realize that nobody has any fucking clue of whats going on. Every adult suddenly becomes just another kid who's just trying to catch a break. The people that actually do have some sort of magnificent life plan are always the loudest.
The leap from 'Take some retarded survey so you can find out some jobs that don't involve you flipping burgers!' to 'Oh, yeah, you'll probably figure it out eventually.' is like taking a brick to the head.
I still don't know what I'm doing here! From what I've heard, that's more than okay.
Unfortunately, I've fallen victim to my biological instincts of wanting some sort of fulfillment. Not just to be seen but to feel seen. It's constantly at war with the logical desire to disappear.
Logically, I know that I'll fall into obscurity, but I just can't shut up the little pang in my chest that wants me to leave a scar on society.
That's what lead me to here. Spewing chunks of myself wrapped up nicely in a present that says 'I was here' and leaving it for someone else to find. Nobody can ever see you as you see yourself, so as long as you know how to create, that's the closest you're gonna get.
Paleontology might not be my calling, but maybe by digging into the trenches of my mind, I'll discover a new species of dinosaur.
The rain always seems to make me miserable. Today wasn't too bad though.
Lately I've been having the weirdest nightmares. Maybe I'm just in my head too much for my own good.
I always remember my dreams best in the early morning. I get up to make my coffee, extra strong, & dine on luxurious cuisine (toaster waffles). I feel like someone is watching me from inside my mind.
There aren't a lot of things I hate other than the rain. I hate when the hems of my jeans get wet because I stepped in a puddle, & how the damp air makes my clothes reek of mildew. The rain makes me feel dirty, & uncleanliness is what I fucking hate above all else. It coats my entire body in a film of something I can't quite scrub off.
Few things are better than stepping out of the shower real late at night & sitting in bed with a good book or movie. The dark is a blanket that hides you from daytime's responsibility. A world of possibility opens up & you're invited to take full advantage of it.
I've never gave much of a shit about Valentine's day. That probably says something about me as a person. I spent the day at a small ...
